I had a Visitation
I've spent a week in Hospital in Chennai before returning home. It frustrated me from visiting Filmacademy at Chennai and deeper contacts in a filmstudio, but another happening occurred. The reason for my stay at the hospital was between the ears. The equilibrium organ had left me and the ears became hypersensitive, even until today I notion the change. By an act of my husband to send e-mail around to a large number of my friends, I got a visitation in my ears. They were all calling me up from all over the world. Friends and their voices became at this point most en farmost more important than donation systems or any kind of Solar system and worshiping reasons of ancient past.

Back in Amsterdam while trying to see how we have translated our divinities in the modern West, I could picture theFootball station for Apollo and the Bijenkorf for a Venus temple. The pub and tidal mass entertainment for the Moon and even found a Mercury temple for the students. Jupiter at court yes I could find the ancient mythology back in the world at large, but... For my personal rituals I seemed to turn my Friends into archetypal gods, a male and a female one for all of them was not very difficult to find. Always complimenting Venus, confronting and strengthening with Mars and structuring with Saturn. Rebelling with Uranus was even a chapter we didn't touch in South India. Relationships between theme and more complex personalities. A gossip circuit..Yes I planned on continuing my research for characters as archetypal stories. The Janus head in each and every one of them. As I am born on the New Year always been fascinated by a clearly divided past and future, dark and light, left and right from the same person.

The transforming of peoples around me, the ritual dance of characters in relationships expressing and living their talents in the strongest and weakest aspects. Characters are Archetypes, larger than life assuming an aspect of a Myth. Yes, a perfect horoscope surrounding a reflecting myself, a self-portrait in different layers. To reflect together I started with the organization of an...

Audition
Everybody a god, a polytheistic, over-selfrealised individualised Western world. Self-development, belief, enlightenment and worshipping we all know yoga vegetarianism, tantra and Krsinamurti of any other boeddha meditation. A whole new vocabulary: Poldertantra. We Idealized our self-image to an infinite extend of positivism and selfrealisation. We conduct the powers of a divine source and each and every one of us became a director of its own life, lifestyle and takes personal responsibility of its design. Hence we miss a certain intimacy; we have no time for we are busying self-realizing and keeping up with ideal images we project onto the world.

I started to visit friends and interview them on specific level. Saturn, according to Hindu temple structure connecting to the rectum, the base, the structure was the first. My friend told me that ever since she got control over her excremental Rhythm by clismas she feels liberated. The Muscleman I ve chosen to be Mars shows me his hobby of checking erections of masturbating young man on his internet screen, and Venus worries about the shadows of pleasure. Off course these are but a shadow of an intimate conversation while discussing talents like structure and control, virility and immune system, beauty and seduction. I am fascinated by the words and stories, in all I think as a research I visit all planets in my friends and get confronted with their personal sometimes-unconscious analogical rituals.

However here as I discuss the stage of my research with dasArts Harko Haagsma, we try to develop a working method to film. Portraits. Planning the films and starting with one was the agenda, but the method-thinking starts to frustrate the process. Communication fails, aim unclear, and suspicion with the friends. Where is the limit to privacy? Meanwhile The method thinking (very new for me, as a tend to follow my natural logics) is becoming a project on its own, research on the net, books at the store and lists of ideas drift me away from the idea of illustrating those personal stories. Interesting scetches but yes: still without plot. I have to reconsider this for the impact in our friendship relation. Not mature for a scenario yet. As I invent to make audio recordings in order to collect texts for my characters, even the stories disappear as soon as the phallic microphone comes into the picture.

I consider giving them all each my camera for a few days and register themselves their own rituals but by that time there is a real difficulty to reach anybody out there. Communication doesn't seem to work out practical. Venus starts to mistrust and fear her imago, Mars isn't really willing to share her competitive nature at a large audience, and Uranus is far to busy organizing her festival to even think of being interviewed. Venus makes a French mantra and Moon acts in full moon light a mothermilk fountain...beautifull material still untouched in my drawer, But mini disc recordings mysteriously erased. For the machine has very sensitive buttons I didnt master.

Deception
Having an ideal and the deception was at the same time theme of this IT research. Buying a ticket for a rich Dravidian culture and confronting the effects of a Tsunami, From wanting to film to audio story collection. In any case there was an obstruction that tried to paralyzed the natural happening of it. The playfulness disappeared by thinking too serious and material didn't just happen to come intuitively and by shooting finding out. The process of knowing what to film exactly in detail was blocking a natural flow of happening. What is the use of creating if you alreaddy know exactly What you are making ? Where was my inuition and moreso the connection with the feeling that I knew what I wanted to say but I needed to visualise to express it for my words seem not always adequate.

I've talked with DasArts dramaturg Jan van de Berg wearing an amulet from Mercury temple around my neck. The thing was making my skin all around very dark, an amulet to try to communicate without being misunderstood.( religion/ new age/ related to my personal visions is a tricky subject) It was a bit ridiculous but I have the impression that it worked. My cards on the table he could still encourage me to continue, also in the 3 dimesional space given by Test-Port. With the other mentors I started to focus on an installation at the festival to confront my ideas to a larger audiance to test and find out its values. Experiment with the ritual for a larger audience and reaching out for peoples beyond my friends circle.

Relationships with my friends inspired a lot of soap opera, dramayama all around me and to be honest I've started writing the characters down, thought about writing a soap of a theatre presentation of my friends presenting themselves and me gossiping their stories (for I have to say, I love telling the marvels around those colorful peoples a lot. Maybe I should just change their names and take actors to be able to push the limits. Writing however, I love it but it takes me a very longtime to sit down and start. I visualise more naturally)

Radio Midlife Cry
Converting is certainly a universal theme for the people surrounding my generation or me. Painfully struck by the struggling ego disillusioned that after all those years of work we just discover the immense world around us and our petittteness. Many turn to children or job, crisis in personality relationships. I surf Midlife sites and feel like starting a radio show Radio Midlife Cry

Initially I wanted to make an installation/initiation for those 40+ a Midlife cry recruitment office. But after mentor talks with Chris Keulemans we agreed there seemed to be a loss of ideology for all generations Young students of DasArts started to doubt if they would be welcome. Personally I had a hard time breaking up the limits again. I think this world is truly forgetting generation X and they are in Crisis.

I've started to make a picture wall for the recruitment office, inviting wallpaper to seduce audience into modern spirituality. I placed everybody into their own planet, their own bubble together alone. A huge photoshop work, 20 meters on my computer screen, in a week. Send my cd rom to be printed in India and left for a smell week to the Mediterranean to read some books in peace. Peter Sloterdijk was upcoming with a workshop to DasArts.